Need sex. Gaining weight.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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