OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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