the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
