What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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