i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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