Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I did not marry a roomba.
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