You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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