i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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