dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
