I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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