you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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