Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
