I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
