He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
