how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
