you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
