god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I believe in your delicious
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
