I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
