Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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