Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
