the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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