I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
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