She is in my trunk
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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