There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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