Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
