shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
