I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
