I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
