I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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