I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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