On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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