Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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