he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
