"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
