Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
