Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
