The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
