Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
