if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
