Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
