Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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