i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
