I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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