Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
