My friends, they love my intelligence
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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