Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
