they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
