So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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