If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
