i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
