The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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