When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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