There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
